Things are better, I'm happy.

I talked to him yesterday before he left, and I understand things better. I'm glad we talked because he's an amazing friend and he means so much to me. And now I can hear his truck leaving...haha! Anyway, I just wanted to tell everyone that I feel better and that me and him are ok again! I was just having a bad day. oh yeah... I'm really having a great day now. But I don't know about my future. I question alot of things. I always have to wonder if I'm going to get into the college I want? And is my future going to go the way I picture it?? well thats it!

What the hell?!?!?!

I feel absolutely horrible. My best friend basically doesn't give a rats butt about me, and obviously doesn't care about me at all. Should I feel bad about that? I think I should, but some people don't think I should. I feel abandonded and left out to dry. He acts like he doesn't care that I'm upset. He just doesn't understand that I really care about him. I mean this isn't a I love you , I wanna marry you thing; This is a "You mean so much to mean and I will Love you unconditionally forever, and you can't do anything that will waiver that love." someone who means so much to me, appears to care so little about me. And that upsets me to no end!

Doing things the "right" way!

I am really upset! I get sick when I eat, and I starve when I don't! My incredibly awesome(and graceful!) english teacher is getting in trouble for stupid things! its might be raining on Sat while I'm at the beach! and I am just really stressed! I like a guy that I haven't nessacarily followed all the rules with, but he's amazing! and i don't know, I feel that my judgement is good, but that others can't/ don't want to accept that. and of course theres this weird and haunting question of whether or not I should pursue a relationship with my real mother and my 4 lil ones...??? more on all this later....i needa pack and i wanna watch a movie!

What I want...

What I want? I have never asked myself that question. I've always felt compelled to follow other people's dreams and fulfill other people's broken promises. I have always been told what to do, when to do it and never why I'm doing it. I was recently asked 2 very important questions. ~1. What do I like and dislike? ~2. What do I want to do? I have thought very hard about both questions, heres what I came up with.
I love water, wether its the beach or the pool or even the shower, I absolutely love water. I hate thunder, but I love lightning. I love football, hockey, soccer, volleyball, swimming, tennis, lacrosse, and baseball(at times). I don't like basketball, rugby, golf, polo, track, wrestling, or field hockey. I love Chinese, Italian, Cajun, Mexican, French, Texan, and Southern food in general. I dislike Thai, Sushi, Vitienamese, Japanese, Russian, German, Polish, and Spainish foods. I love cooking and cleaning. I want to own a bakery or restaurant some day. I love the idea of me growing up and moving out. I can't wait to go to college. I hate the idea of leaving my dad or my lil bro, teddy. I hate the thought of my grandfather or my dad dying. or any of my grandparents for that matter. I love debating, but not so much arguing. I hate that I'm stubborn, but love that I know what I want. I love that I can talk with my mouth full and Courtney will always understand me. I hate it when Chip gets mad at me(rarely, but still) I hate that I worry so much about people's health and well being. I hate that I worry period. I hate my past, but love learning from my mistakes. I love history,I hate math. I love foreign languages. I love culture and traditions and new ideas. I love knowing that I will have enternal peace in Heaven. I hate my body, but don't like counting calories. You only live once! I love my self confidence, hate my self esteem. I hate it when people threaten me, or get mad at me. I hate getting mad at other people. I hate the feeling that I'm overwhelmed, but the feeling that I've just lifted a huge anvil off my sholders. I hate stupidity, love wisdom. I hate being put down. I hate people being into my personal life without invitation. I love people and talking. I love meeting new people. I hate fairy tale ideas, I want the facts. I love fantasy, and folklore, and well fairy tales. I question wether dreams come true. I hate being treated like I don't know what I'm doing. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. I love rock, country, rap, hip-hop, jazz,christain rock, classic rock, soft rock, emo, worship and reggeaton. I hate contemporary christain, gospel, and classical. I dislike school, but love learning. I love knowing what life has to offer, and grabbing it! I love not settling for what I can have, and waiting for something I can't. I love reaching out of the norm, and out for something that I can't have, and comiung back with it. I love winning, hate losing. I love getting what I want and need. but I like boundaries.
This is all I can think of right now!
**oh yeah when I'm really happy about something I rock back and forth, smile awhole lot and scrunch my nose, and blush! I learned that today!**

Wut Up??

Thats a Rod Ryan phrase. for all of you who know who that is!!! Anyway, I've got some amazing friends!I've been feeling so stressed out lately, and I just realized how loved I am! I'm hoping that a certain person will read my blog soon and he'll understand alot after he does...but I don't know! I got little to no sleep last nite or really for the past week for that matter. Oh yeah, ok...my little brother last nite comes into my room and says "madi, are you leaving for college soon?" and I tell him yes in 2 years, I am leaving. And he says "but I want you to stay here with me." and of course I tell him the usual thing, that I will always come and visit him and that he'll always see me. but deep down I have a feeling taht I'm gonna miss out on him growing up. And that makes me sad. I love my ba-bay to death and I do anything for him, but I know that I'm gonna have to leave for college and in that I'm gonna have to leave him at home. I know he's gonna miss me and I know that'll miss him. Those years(j-high and high school)are precious for him and those are the years I'm gonna miss. I won't be able to have "the talk" with those gurls that inevitably will chase him and ....there's so much I am gona miss in his life and in his little world, I really don't know how I will survive without him!! he's my little angel. and thats why I know I can't leave him. but I know I'm gonna have to eventually!

Meredith....

Hey, I can't get to your blog. So if you read this, whats up??? I really wanna know how the job works out for you!!! email me @ madicakes27@hotmail.com -or- madi2u4eva@yahoo.com
miss hearin from you!!!

Wieght off my Sholders!

Last night I was praying before I went to bed, and things have just seemed to be falling apart around me. no more than 5 minutes later my mom came into my room and wanted to talked to me. So I talked to my parents and they pointed out alot of obvious things. I really felt better after we talked. Anyway, I realized that this one guy that I really like(he goes to my church) is really an amazing guy and he may be not really quiet, but not so open with emotions. But anyway, I figured that if I'm gonna date anyone right now it should probably be him, otherwise I should just steer clear of the dating scene! Well I getta see him tomarrow at church, hopefully! Its been almost a week since I saw him! and he wasn't at church on sunday! Oh yeah, there was this other guy that likes me, and I fear that I hurt him. I hope I didn't because I do want to be friends because he's really sweet, but he's also about to be 18 and that just isn't smart on my part! anyway this has been really random and anyone who understands, please comment!

Sadie Hawkins Dance...

In my khaki pants. there's nothing better, oh oh oh! j/k! Anyways I' ve gotten like no sleep whatsoever! Amanda, Katlyn and Court stayed at my house and I woke up to Steph yelling at 9 this morning! but anyway, Sadie... I hooked up Landon and Amy and they seemed to really hit it off! And me n Ross had fun. What did ya'll think of him? He was a gentleman and really sweet. I was actually surprised that everything went so well. but yeah... Kieth and Krissy looked adorable! Gilli and Jared...that was hott! well yeah I had alot of fun and I can't wait till my class gets to plan it next year!

Women's rights and my opinions

I always thought that I understood women's rights and I thought I was a femist, somewhat. However yesterday it was drawn to my attention taht I don not know what feminism is and from what I understand about it now, I do not want to be that. A girl came and spoke to our chapel yesterday, and what she said will forever change my life. She told me something I have known, but never truly believed. Her name is Gianna and she is 27 with Cerebral Palsy. but donm't have pity on her, she can walk and talk and sing just beautifully. She is a miracle child. Her mother believed that it was her "right" to have an abortion. The doctors injected an acid into Gianna that was suppose to burn her inside and out and her mother would have a still birth within 24 hrs. Well God was with Gianna for 18 hrs as she suffered, and don't tell me that she didn't suffer...it was acid! after 18 hrs she was born, and alive! The doctors weren't there so they couldn't strangle her or harm he any further. A nurse called the ER and had her transported there. The doctors said she would never survive. After a couple of months, the doctors decided that Gianna had a will to live and that God wasn't giving up on her. She was put in foster care, but they didn't care for her. She then went to her foster mother penny who worked with her everyday despite what the doctors told her, so that Gianna woyuld walk. She lived a hard life, but well worth it. You ask what so life changing? well Lady's and Gentleman... Women's Rights would have killed me! My mother planned on aborting me, but my father was NOT willing to pay the $600 for that! My father stepped up and took control, as a man should. He is my hero, my knight and shining armor, and I Love Him so much for that! I am a woman and I ask you, where were MY rights while I was ALIVE in my mother's womb??? And another thing! Women calling and chasing after men. NO MAN WANTS TO BE CHASED AFTER!!!! They are men, they like a challenge, so lady's give them their challenge don't settle for some dead beat that you had to ask out! I use to quetion my mom about why she would no t allow my sister and I to call guys, even if they were just our friends. Now I understand. Girls, Ladies you are worth the wait! Don't give out your heart to the first guy you meet. Make him prove his love for you, make sure he treats you right! I'm sick of women crawling back to abusive husbands!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! It took a 27 year old with cerebral palsy and then a nudge from Shannon at church last night to make me realize it! I believe that God put Gianna at my school yesterday and then put me at church last night so I could her this from 2 incredible women taht I adore! God wants me to know that I am Loved and taht I am worth it!
Suggested reading: Wild at Heart by John Elderidge

Feelin like... Crap... and why!

This week has been so stressful for me. I have two papers, two tests, a Chemistry quiz, and one of best friends didn't feel like I was important enough to tell me something Really important last week, instead they told me yesterday. I'm really pissed off about that. Its really weird because this person knows that I'm pissed and their trying to make up for it. Its like they care, but they honestly can't do anything about whats making me mad. I think I'm just overwhelmed right now, because normally I'm very calm and I take things like an adult. And right now I'm acting like a child and throwing a fit about it...ugh! I hate it when I act childish. Anyways I'm just mad!
New Favorite Song: Colors by Crossfade