Happy by Mudvayne

In this hole

That is me

The dead are rolling over

In this holeThickening

Dirt shoveled over shoulders

I feel it in me

So overwhelmed

Oh this pressured center rising

My life over turned

Unfair the despair

All these scars keep ripping open

Peel me from the skin

Tear me from the rind

Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone

Tear me from myself

Are you feeling happy now?

In this hole

That is me

A life that's growing feeble

In this hole

So limiting

The sun has set all darkness

Buried underneath

Hands slip off the wheel

Internal pathway to contention

Peel me from the skin

Tear me from the rind

Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone

Tear me from myself

Are you feeling happy now?

Are youHAPPY

Are youHAPPY

Are you feeling happy?

In this hole

That is me

Left with a heart exhausted

Whats my release?

What sets me free?

Do you pull me up just to push me down again?

Peel me from the skin

Tear me from the rind

Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone

ear me from myself

Are you feeling happy?

Peel me from the skin(peel me from the skin)

Tear me from the rind

Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone(Tear meat from the bone)

Tear me from myself

Are you feeling happy?

Does it make you happy?

Are you feeling happy?

Are you fucking happy?

Now that I'm lost left with nothing

Does it make you happy?

Are you feeling happy?

Are you fucking happy?

Now that I'm lost left with nothing?

A Guy and A Girl, Thats it.

Ok...What's happened since I posted at lunch today. I talked to this guy again and we are seeing things at eye level again. We're here.* haha(inside joke!) Anyway, he explained some stuff and he didn't mean to rub anything in. He just acting normal and wants to stay friends with her. So anyway....Thank God none of ya'll know who I am talking about bc then this guy would be kinda mad!

A guy and A girl, thats all you needa know

Ok. I've been really stressing with this issue for a couple weeks. Here's the thing, This guy has been really upsetting a really good friend of mine. She has been getting really upset because he is constantly doing stuff in front of her with other girls.(Nothing bad, but kinda rubbing in sorta way.) She been feeling really alone lately, and this situation hasn't been helping. I talked to him about it, but he acts as if he has no idea what I'm talking about. It really is pissing me off. Anyway, I know he's going to read this and get mad and she'll read this. But hey I hope this hits him Hard Because you not what man? YOU DIDN"T DESERVE HER!!!!! She's so much better than you. She's everything a guy could want and more. And you gave her up...Do you feel stupid yet, 'Cause you should! With that said I also have to say that this guy I consider to be a good friend of mine and I feel this will get his attention and now maybe he will listen when I try to tell him something!

My Goddess

My Goddess

I was knee deep in a sick love

I was cross eyed under your drug

Schizo savior, mad messiah

Fatal worship you inspired

Gone, I don’t believe in you now

I’ve seen too much

I don’t believe in you now

My Goddess

You were counting on a freefall

You laid your bet I would lose all

Chalk up one less crucifixionI kicked that sick, old addiction

Down, I don’t believe in you now

I’ve seen too muchI don’t believe in you now

My Goddess

Now you see what you get when you lose yourself

What you get when you don’t know who you are

when you don’t know who you are

My Goddess

A Tough Decision

A really ahrd decision might be coming my way in the extreme neaar furture. I think i already know my choice and what would be best for me, but I really want ya'll to pray for me. Don't worry heady, lily, and monkey...I'll tell ya'll bout it soon. I just want ya'll to understand that I absolutly love and adore ya'll no matter what. OK? I will always keep in touch with ya'll wherever I go! FOREVER! ya'll mean so much to me. I have a feeling we will each stay friends till were old ladys getting our hair dyed and gossiping under the perm machine thingys! I love you guys so much!

people i love

hey all! Whats up?? I just realized something really amazing.I really think that I like being at rosehill. I mean I could never see myself leaving Hannah, Heather, Courtney, Cayla and some other people. But oh wow. I really love some of these people. I'm so oh my gosh... i couldn't live without them!!!

Answered Prayers and Thankfulness!!

A friend of mine, the one I posted about earlier, I feel is growing closer to God. She has began the phase of questioning. I am so proud of her. She is going through so much and realizing how much we love her and want her to be happy. She is wonderful and naturally talented and estatic about life. However these are the days of temptation for her, and I pray for her daily. This year has been the biggest struggle and hardest school year for me. I have felt alone and unwanted and prayed for a purpose. I feel like God has answered my prayers. He has given purpose and a peaceful mind. He has sent me someone to care about and help through trials and he has sent me a couple of life long friends. I have changed so much this year and I feel for the better. God has definatly been working through me and all I have to say is WOW! Thank you for everything. Thank you God for answered and unanswered prayers. Thank you for Courtney, and Cayla, And Heather, And Jordan, and Mrs. Knox, and For Hannah. And everyone that I love so much! Thank you!

Silver

A lady once asked a blacksmith "How do you get all the impurities out of silver?" The blacksmith answered "Well we melt it in the fire." The Lady then asked him, "Well how do you know when its done?" The blacksmith answered the lady " Well you have to watch the silver very, very carefully and intentlly. But the craftsmen can tell that its completely impure when he can see himself in it."
We are the silver and God is the Craftsman. Let him stick you in the fire a couple of times until he can fully see himself in you.

Salvation and my story

A friend told me today that she doesn't feel like she is saved. That hit the big one. I was so hurt. I wasn't mad, but I hurt for her. She's one of those people that you would never think isn't saved. Then I thought about it, its very easy to be saved but feel like your not. I know I did for awhile. I'm so glad that I know what I know now so I can help her. Everyone tells me that my story is proof of salvation, I tend to disagree but I am willing to do anything for this girl because I love her so incredibly much.
Here's my story:
I was born into a torn home. My parents divorced before I was 2 and my dad remarried shortly after my 3rd. My "real"mother rarely calls, and I feel like mostly she doesn't care about me. She told me when I was little that my daddy, my knight and shinning armour, didn't love me. It broke my heart and I, being only 3, believed her. For many, many years I believed her. My childhood is something I try to block out, for many reasons, but mainly because it wasn't the best one. I moved my 6th grade year to Magnolia and attended BBJH. All of my friends were druggies and goths and freaks(my fav ppl!!). I came to RCS my 7th grade year...that was a very rebellious year for me. Everyone tells me now that I was... umm... independant and I was and still am. 8th grade was the year of stupid mistakes and LOTS of heartache. This followed me into highschool. 9th grade was literally hell on earth! Now tenth grade. yeah won't go there. wow...so much has happened to me and I've been through so much. But you know what? Shanna made a really good point last night. Satan cannot tempt any of us without God's ok. Did you know that? God has to give His approval for Satan to even touch our lives. God allows Satan to give us trials so that he can sift out the bad in our life. That means God and ALL of Heaven is behind us when we go through a trial. That is the story of my life - Trials. God started his work out on me from the very beginning of my life; before I waseven born.
Anyway I love you, gurl! Talk to me, call me, whatever...I'll be there!!!

God's Plan

I am taking some amazing advice. I got myself into this retarded situation, where I needed some really good Christian advice. So I talked to johntwenty and cooper, and got their opinion on the issue. And they both agreed that I should do what my parents want me to do. So I have decided NOT to date this guy so that my parents are happy and can trust me with things in the future. So thats all for now! But I got more:)!!

What's today again?

Wow! Last night I went to the Michael W. Smith concert and it was amazing!! He was so funny. Imagine George Clooney 5 years ago jumping all around a stage singing; thats whta it was like!(MWS looks like George Clooney!) Anyway he sang a song that really hit home for me, actually 2 of them did."Reach out to Me" and "This is your Time" .These two songs were so amazing! They kinda helped me see where I was spiritually and where I wanted to be. Like I said earlier to heady, I always can realize what the solution to my problem is - I just don't always apply it. Its always easier to sit back, look at a roblem and tell what should be done about it. Its not always easy to actually do the right solution about the issue at hand. Anyway...I have had a great day just hanging around my house. I really needed this day off! Love all ya'll!

Figuring out my Life!

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and he told me I was paranoid. I think he is crazy. However, I do think that I am going crazy and I need to step back and take things one at a time, as they come. I still have many questions, but I can ask those as I seem to need to. I believe that God is working in my life and that I got scared. I can't wait to see what he does in my life! Sometimes I worry and freak out about it, but thats normal I guess. I am so thankful for the friends I have! thanks for being there for me ya'll(you know who you are). I'm actually in a really good mood right now. I hope it last! I need to go work out now....ahhhhaahhhhhh! Love all ya'll!

Today's date doesn't matter

Things have gotten really confusing! Anyone who reads this and knows what I'm talking about - Take heed! Someone is trashing me. I am really pissed! If you are STOP! if you know who it is, tell them to cut it out! I'm sick of my life and my desicisions being on display! I go to people like dragonly, grendels mom, headyweady, sunshie, johntwenty, and people like that for a reason! I don't want people in my business, so stop. Its my life butt out! I like my personal space. If I'm crying let me be, if I look mad I probably am so don't mess with me! When I'm hyper there is a chance that I am really upset so let me alone! thats all my venting for now...but I could probably do more so watch it!;)hahahahahehehehehohohohohohhihihihihuhuhuhuhu!lolololololol!

Trash Talking

Ok, if you are stupid enough to trash someone or lie about someone when you go to a school with only 70 kids in High school, be prepared to take some serious heat! I found out this afternoon that a certain "smart" person lied about something I said to a really good friend of mine concerning my friend. It really irratated me because I felt bad for her because she was going through alot of stuff, so I talked to her during lunch monday, she flips around and lies about me and another person! how...annoying and mean and rude, and .....wrong! I know now not to talk to this person and that she has lost my trust, which is sad because I have trust issues and once you lose my trust its almost impossible to regain it!(word to the wise, DO NOT LOSE MY TRUST!) ANyway so I talked to my friend and let them know what was up. but still, we go to a small school, did this person really think they could trash ME and get away with it??!!??!! Girls got another thing comin, if thats the way she's thinkin!

Sweet Sixteen

I have started to realize some things and I wrote this as a venting tool.

Life is crazy

its a big maze

confusing and hazy

Happy Sweet Sixteen

Things are rough

people don't always help

you gotta be tough

Happy Sweet Sixteen

Stuff will get worse

times are hard

you'll think its a curse

Happy Sweet Sixteen

Make good choices

keep yourself clean

hold your head high

Happy Sweet Sixteen

Reasoning with Life

I've been really thinking and trying to make sense out of everything thats been going on. This is what I've come up with. My friend that I felt didn't care about me, he actually does and dragonfly was right-he just didn't know how to show it. I've been so confused lately about my life but a wise sage-muse told me that life isn't going to just reveal its master plan to me when I get confused, Its a big puzzle. And like a puzzle sometimes you're on a roll, and sometimes you need to just get up and look at it from another angle, maybe from another persons perspective;)! And Heady, we were put here on this horrible( at times, and wonderful other times) earth for some reason. God has a purpose for us. You may feel like your just screwing things upi for everyone, but hey your doing something right-your helping a friend. Life's a funny place, alright...buut lets get through it together and maybe we can compare notes!!!:)hehehe!

Questions?

Have you ever questioned life?I have really started to do that lately. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he was explaining some stuff to me and when I asked him what he was running from he said "Nothing, I just know that there's more to life than what I am experiancing here." I responded with the simple fact that I was still here and I was planning on going to big places. then he said something to me that I won't easily forget. He said, "Exactly, thats why I don't know why your still here." I question life now. Here are my questions:
What if I don't make good choices for college? what if I don't get into Law School? What if I can't get into one of the colleges I want? What if God takes more people that men so much to me away? Why does God take away people I love? Why am I at thi school? Why can't I be somewhere else? Why did I ever have to meet that one guy? Will I ever forgive and forget my past? What exactly did I learn from that particular experiance?(Other than I'm an idiot.) Why do I Love that(and those) which I cannot have? Why do couples insit on saying "i love you" when they have never felt true love? Why do parents divorce? why do parents disown children? Why do parents always talk about how much they wish they could see you, but never put the effort to come visit when you only live 1/2 a state away? What do you do if you want a relationship with your siclings, but don't know if you want to know the other parent? What do you do if you want to date someone, but don't have the courage to say something? What do you do when everyone believes that you can do anything, anything thats put in front of you, you may have to move a mountain but you'll get it done(this was said of me); And the whole time you feel like the weight of the world is on sholders and you can't do anything right? Why do parents encourage you to have a servants heart, but always yell at you when you do things that people ask you to do? why are parents forever in your business and confusing things for you? And last but not least, Why do you fall for someone when you find out they could be leaving you?
~These are my questions for life. If you can help me understand, then please do.

To Gillian, on her 16th Birthday

Sixteen...wow. a friend of mine turned sixteen today, this is kinda post for her.I am sixteen and I don't feel different. I felt almost let down at first, because everyone makes it out to be the coolest thing ever. It wasn't at first, but there are so many responibilities now. I mean yes theres driving, but now is the time to look ahead. Its ok to selfish. What do you want? whats your dream? Now go after it! Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it! make that more a reason to do it. Don't allow anyone to treat you like a little kid, you are older now and deserve to be treated like it. You are an amazing individual, don't ever believe differently! I feel somehow that its my responsibility to let you know that the world is harsh. I have had to deal with lawyers and all sorts of crazying things since I was first concieved. The world loves the sinner and the sin. It loves the lair, hates the lie. you get what I mean? Its a horrible place. but don't be afraid, because the wrold is ever changing and will always welcome a new face. "Live in the world, but not of it." a wise man once said that. My wonderful Gilli - Billi, you are 16, my darling, I know you will make good choices because you are a smart girl. But be aware of the dangers ahead of you. Know tht anything you need, God will provide. And When it seems that he's not there; we, your friends are only a phone call away! I Love You and wil always be there for you, where ever you may be. I would drop everything and fly straight to you if you ever needed me! I love you, And always~ Welcome to the World, Babygirl!